I’d rather…

by Hazel Pino

I’m at a great debate with myself — should I say this out loud to you and be done with it all or should I just ignore you and leave you wondering where I went?

Within the last year there has been a significant shift in your mood. In your aura and I can’t pin it, all I know is that I don’t like it. I don’t like vibe you’ve been giving off to me — like I’m no longer worth your time. I’m no longer deserving of your friendship. You tell me that you pull away because it’s your nature. That I keep you grounded. That it’s hard for you to talk about feelings because you don’t want anyone to know you care. You tell me you’ve loved me this whole time because I’ve never given up on you. But you only tell me these things when you’re intoxicated.

Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe I’m justified. But I can’t get down with that. If you consider me your friend, if you consider me to be someone you love because you know I’ve stuck by you through everything why do you keep pulling away from me? It’s been over ten years and we’re still doing this?

So let me say what I need to say.

Never think for a second that you didn’t mean shit to me. Because that’s far from the truth. The love I experienced from you literally growing up, it kept me alive. It was something I kept going back to. I remember the night you said you would marry me. It was my life line for such a long time. Every time you hurt me, I forgave you. And sometimes I wonder if I devalued myself that much to keep you around and other times I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that in some sort of sense I was addicted to you. You were everything to me. Together or not. I can’t explain it, even now, after all these years.

But every drunk dial. Every day you called me when you were deployed. It meant something to me. The last time you called me was on my birthday a few years ago. You called at midnight to be the first to say happy birthday and it melted me that you remembered and that you called. Since then you haven’t called and you haven’t remembered my birthday.

You go through phases when you make me feel like I can take on the world. Like nothing else could be more important to you than me. And it’s, sadly, in those times that I feel the most alive. And when those days are gone, I feel so dark and empty and that shouldn’t be happening. Not anymore.

I’d rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else.

You were my everything and a part of me will always love you. But I can’t do this anymore. I need to find my happiness. One that doesn’t include how you feel about me at that given time.

This is the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do.

I’m sorry.