Always the answer, never the solution

by Hazel Pino

On days like this — days where I feel like the world is weighing me down by a thousand tons. When my chest hurts and I want to ball into a corner and cry but no tears come out…

Sex has always been the answer. Sex filled with lust and no romantic emotion, it was like I was punishing myself even more and telling mind it’s fine, right now I just want to feel like someone wants me because I didn’t want myself.

On days I couldn’t deal with the demons causing chaos in my mind I found myself under someone who was looking for a quick fix. In my mind I was telling myself, it’s okay you’re looking for a quick fix too but deep down I knew that’s not how this was going to end.

I knew as soon as his quick fix was over I would feel worse than before and yet, this was still my answer. Still my escape. Even now, years later… when I can’t deal with the weight of the world I turn to sex. If not having sex I fill my day with reading erotica or watching porn or scrolling through Tumblr after Tumblr of sex blogs.

It temporarily gives me that freeing feeling. I’m so focused on the heat of the moment, of the rough kisses and the passion and ecstasy that I can’t think of anything else. And that rare moment I’m with someone who can actually fuck my mind numb? Those are the best moments of them all.

That moment right before of yearning, like you’ll go crazy if you don’t have it. Right now. Those are the moments I miss. And when you finally have it in your hand, nothing else matters.

But while sex is always the answer, it will never be my solution. It’s just a drug and like all other drugs, I’m afraid I’ll spend my life chasing after it rather than finding my solution.