Cause I don’t know how to make a feeling stop…

by Hazel Pino

SPiNNiNG: Just So You Know by Jesse McCartney

Once upon a time I fell for a guy from a different country before even really knowing him. Til this day, I still really don’t know him and although it’s been a year since the last time I’ve seen him, every time I browse his pictures on Facebook I still get those feelings.

The people that intrigue me the most are the ones with troubled eyes, the ones with stories to tell, the ones who hesitate. They are the ones I feel more drawn to, more interested in.

I hadn’t had a crush like this in years. And it was so strange to me since I didn’t know anything about him. We were friends and there were times I would get him to reveal a little bit more about himself but he seemed so guarded, so hesitant and I didn’t want to push it.

I thought about him constantly and at the time I thought it was in a high school crush way, the way everyone else around us was drawn to him. Because of his good looks, because of his heavy accent. But no one really talked to him, they flirted with him, but never talked to him. And now looking back on it, maybe I wasn’t crushing on him for the same reasons everyone else was. Yes he is very attractive and yes I loved hearing him talk. But I was more interested in who he is, under the physical aspects.

It was the first time in a long time I wanted to hang out with someone outside of our usual surroundings. One of my resolutions last year was to invite him to lunch, to get to know him more but it never happened because I chickened out.

I remember we were being drafted to another store after we closed up the one we were at and he was the type to roll solo, he seemed to appreciate being alone more than being around other people even though girls were always trying to occupy his time. We were both grabbing our things out of our lockers and he asked me if I was going home (I assumed they hadn’t extended him) and he said he would walk with me. Which surprised me since he had never offered to walk with me before and he hardly seemed like the want-some-company type. In our short walk I managed to learn more about him, but not enough. Never enough.

He was eventually sent home and ironically I was there the day he was escorted off property. I remember the bus ride home, the relief but the worry in his eyes. It was an off and on switch and I remember offering him smiles when his thoughts would trail. I remember giving him a hug at his stop and whispering, “I’ll miss you.” and he whispered back, “I’ll miss you too.” I told him to come visit me, we’ll get sushi and he chuckled and said, “I guess that’s one of the good things about being here, making friends from other places. Take care. See you.” and that was the last time I saw him.

We still keep in touch back in forth through Facebook now and then, but it’s not the same. I miss being around him. And I wonder, do I have these feelings because I’m crushing on him or because I want to help him? I want him to know I’m here if he needs me? For anything? But how do you let someone who doesn’t seem to want anyone’s help that?

I miss you. I worry about you. I hope you’re okay. Really okay.