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I’d rather…

I’m at a great debate with myself — should I say this out loud to you and be done with it all or should I just ignore you and leave you wondering where I went?

Within the last year there has been a significant shift in your mood. In your aura and I can’t pin it, all I know is that I don’t like it. I don’t like vibe you’ve been giving off to me — like I’m no longer worth your time. I’m no longer deserving of your friendship. You tell me that you pull away because it’s your nature. That I keep you grounded. That it’s hard for you to talk about feelings because you don’t want anyone to know you care. You tell me you’ve loved me this whole time because I’ve never given up on you. But you only tell me these things when you’re intoxicated.

Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe I’m justified. But I can’t get down with that. If you consider me your friend, if you consider me to be someone you love because you know I’ve stuck by you through everything why do you keep pulling away from me? It’s been over ten years and we’re still doing this?

So let me say what I need to say.

Never think for a second that you didn’t mean shit to me. Because that’s far from the truth. The love I experienced from you literally growing up, it kept me alive. It was something I kept going back to. I remember the night you said you would marry me. It was my life line for such a long time. Every time you hurt me, I forgave you. And sometimes I wonder if I devalued myself that much to keep you around and other times I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that in some sort of sense I was addicted to you. You were everything to me. Together or not. I can’t explain it, even now, after all these years.

But every drunk dial. Every day you called me when you were deployed. It meant something to me. The last time you called me was on my birthday a few years ago. You called at midnight to be the first to say happy birthday and it melted me that you remembered and that you called. Since then you haven’t called and you haven’t remembered my birthday.

You go through phases when you make me feel like I can take on the world. Like nothing else could be more important to you than me. And it’s, sadly, in those times that I feel the most alive. And when those days are gone, I feel so dark and empty and that shouldn’t be happening. Not anymore.

I’d rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else.

You were my everything and a part of me will always love you. But I can’t do this anymore. I need to find my happiness. One that doesn’t include how you feel about me at that given time.

This is the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do.

I’m sorry.

Goodbye.

Always the answer, never the solution

On days like this — days where I feel like the world is weighing me down by a thousand tons. When my chest hurts and I want to ball into a corner and cry but no tears come out…

Sex has always been the answer. Sex filled with lust and no romantic emotion, it was like I was punishing myself even more and telling mind it’s fine, right now I just want to feel like someone wants me because I didn’t want myself.

On days I couldn’t deal with the demons causing chaos in my mind I found myself under someone who was looking for a quick fix. In my mind I was telling myself, it’s okay you’re looking for a quick fix too but deep down I knew that’s not how this was going to end.

I knew as soon as his quick fix was over I would feel worse than before and yet, this was still my answer. Still my escape. Even now, years later… when I can’t deal with the weight of the world I turn to sex. If not having sex I fill my day with reading erotica or watching porn or scrolling through Tumblr after Tumblr of sex blogs.

It temporarily gives me that freeing feeling. I’m so focused on the heat of the moment, of the rough kisses and the passion and ecstasy that I can’t think of anything else. And that rare moment I’m with someone who can actually fuck my mind numb? Those are the best moments of them all.

That moment right before of yearning, like you’ll go crazy if you don’t have it. Right now. Those are the moments I miss. And when you finally have it in your hand, nothing else matters.

But while sex is always the answer, it will never be my solution. It’s just a drug and like all other drugs, I’m afraid I’ll spend my life chasing after it rather than finding my solution.

High school can be a really hard and tough place. Especially if you’re not pretty or smart or popular. Especially if you were always seen as the “little sister” the “band geek” or “the skinny chick”.

From the minute high school started there was a boy who picked on me.

J: Hey, what grade did you get?Me: C+
J: I got an A. That means I’m better than you.
Me: *thinking* Who the heck is he again?

Didn’t really help this kid was in two of my classes that quarter. Or that I looked forward to him teasing me every single day. Some days he did, some days he didn’t. Sometimes it seemed like he was just being downright mean other times it seemed like he was flirting. But he wasn’t cute. I mean he was in a little annoying brother sort of way but he wasn’t cute as in I’d crush on him cute. Even though I would never admit it until years later — I was crushing on him.

And so for the better half of our childhood, that was what our friendship was like. J telling me I sucked and how much better at stuff he was than me. Some days I didn’t understand it, most days I anticipated it.

Everything changed when we came back to school junior year. My buddy? He looked different. Not like a kid anymore. Definitely not like a kid anymore. He still had that same goofy smile and that sarcastic sense of humor I was finally starting getting use to but he was… different. And he looked at me and treated me different too.

He would walk me to class, he would ask if anything was wrong if I looked troubled, he would listen to my problems. He cared. He looked at me like he cared, really cared about me. Like he would stand in anyones way who dare hurt me. And it was strange and different and it was unspoken between us. But we ended up being really close that year. He would rescue me from breakups and take me to the arcade to just hang out in his car until I was ready to go home and talk. He would call me just to say hi, even though we saw each other at school. He would actually call when he said he would. He would invite me to hang out on the weekends either with mutual friends or just by ourselves. He would come over and we’d play video games. He was always hugging me or offering his hoodie pockets for me when I would get cold. He was always cracking sarcastic jokes with me to cheer me up.

He was my superman, always rescuing me.

But then he got into a serious relationship and our friendship drifted. Every time they would break up he would come back around. Until the last time.

The last time we hung out he was just… mean. It was for my birthday dinner. Him and another one of our mutual friends. At this point we were old enough to drink and so they did almost every time we all hung out and they would rag on me since I don’t like drinking. Talk about boring I am since I don’t drink and he was just making it clear that all he ever thought of me was a friend and I didn’t get why since no one brought it up and at the time I had a pretty serious boyfriend. That he didn’t really like. And that didn’t really like him.

And it just hurt. It shouldn’t had since alla that was in the past and it didn’t matter now what was said or done but I think he was guarding himself. People use to say that the way he looked at me, the way they caught him looking at me was something else but he swears to everyone I’ve always just been a friend. That’s it, he’s only seen me as a friend. And okay, fine. Whatever.

Maybe I was never pretty enough or smart enough for him. Maybe I was too skinny or too emotional. But whatever it is, that high school friendship? Is something I’ll always cherish and something I’ll always miss.

Letting go of really great friendships is always the hardest part of growing up.

I wish I could show my support…

I’ve seen one too many people I care about change due to drug abuse and when I met you, you were this innocent kid who didn’t know the first thing about drugs. So innocent in fact that you use to ask ME what it was like to do drugs. How you never think you’d ever do them. It just wasn’t for you.

Then she broke your heart.

And I feel like everything after that was just something to push you deeper down the spiral of a mess you were creating for yourself. And I never could really figure out why considering that the whole time you were dating her, you were hanging out with me. And you guys were only dating for like, a month. But that summer I watched you drift farther away from the boy I knew and more into one that was so high he didn’t remember that he came to visit me the day before, just to see how I was doing. You got mean, and said a lot of things that hurt me to my core, things I still remember today that still resound in the back of my mind. You were my best friend and knowing that drugs were warping your mind and taking you away from me was too much to deal with.

But I couldn’t stay away from you.

And even despite the mess that our friendship turned into, it seemed like, at the time, letting you go was just out of the question. You turned into someone I didn’t know, at all. When I looked at you, it was looking at a shell of the person you were. You looked like him, you sounded like him, you walked like him and sometimes you were him but most nights, you weren’t. You were this angrier, much more trouble version of him that would shut down help from anyone and it seemed like only drugs brought you the comfort you were looking for.

Fast forward ten years later — it’s been a few years since we’ve talked. Social media makes it easy to know how you’re doing and I see that you’re on your road to recovery. You’re trying to get back to that boy I once knew but because of our messy past, I can’t even contact you. I can’t tell you I support you and I’m rooting for you. And it sucks.

But I’m glad you’re making this journey and I wish you nothing but the best.